Friday Gauge Check: Mobility

I realized some hours after I made the last post that I’d forgotten another grey thing in my life, which is, of course, Jack’s gray-and-brown scarf. Both my scarves are currently in knitting limbo – where you knit and knit and don’t seem to make any progress. Fortunately it doesn’t seem to be a metaphor for my larger life. Things are moving, slowly, but moving all the same. I don’t want to talk about what’s going on yet, but if you’ve got any spare good wishes, send them my way.

I need to make a picture post, so I can show off my alpaca top and the gorgeous blue fluff I got from Becca of A Song to Spin. She makes beautiful hand-dyed fibers and handspun yarn, so if you’re in the market for either (or you want to buy me a present) check her out.

This week was all about spending time with friends. I went to the alpaca show and spent Sunday afternoon with a friend I hadn’t seen in person in several years, I spent Thursday afternoon with Becca, this afternoon I went bowling with Jack and another friend, and tonight is gaming. (In fact, I’m writing this while I’m waiting for the game to start.) After spending so much time in a near-hermitage or surrounded by strangers or acquaintances, it makes me feel grounded and connected in a very good way.

I’m reaching out again, not consistently but well, and it feels like another facet of healing.

There’s this strange aspect of recovery where I keep identifying new areas that have been damaged. I suppose it’s like a physical recovery, where the gaping wound is so painful that you don’t immediately realize that you’re also covered in bruises and scratches. Now that the gaping wounds are healing, I keep finding small, bruised spots that hurt like hell when I poke them. Some of them mean I’m not in a place to enjoy things that I once would have, and it makes me kind of resentful. Who are you, to hurt me so badly and take away things I love? I have to remind myself that it doesn’t mean that I’m backsliding, and it’s more than okay to still be recovering.

I signed up for a fiction exchange, and one thing you specify are kinks that you don’t want to receive or give. I’m generally very open-minded, and I like writing challenging, meaty stories. This year, though – this is me opting out of a lot of things, including abuse, assault, and non/dub con. Too close to home.

So I guess my goals this week are going to include being okay with recovering, and giving myself space and time to heal. Less seriously, I have to wade through my startitis, and I’d like to finish something, but I don’t think I’m close enough with anything for it to be practical.

How are you? Any new bruises discovered?

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~ by Amber on March 18, 2011.

One Response to “Friday Gauge Check: Mobility”

  1. There’s this strange aspect of recovery where I keep identifying new areas that have been damaged.

    This.

    I find myself going “…wtf where did THAT come from????” every now and again. As you mentioned, the open-set compound fracture is healing, but now that that’s dealt with, suddenly you find all this lesser miscellany that needs Band-Aids or Neosporin or what have you. It’s annoying. 😛

    it makes me kind of resentful. Who are you, to hurt me so badly and take away things I love?

    Again, this.
    I feel like posting that doujin was a major step for me. Because DAMMIT THAT WAS A GOOD STORY. It might not be much but I think it’s me moving in the right direction. I feel kinda like DOING THINGS again.

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